The Long Goodbye

Isn't that such a dramatic title? It's what I've been calling this time period I am currently in since my sweet H was born over 5 years ago. The time that is about to come to an end when she starts kindergarten in 2 weeks. I can't believe that we are already here. I have been thinking the past couple of days that maybe I have been asleep or something and have now woken up and I've missed so many days or something. I've called this the long goodbye b/c I've always said that when my kids start school, their teachers will have them for longer periods of time than I will. And that makes me so sad. I am not expressing this to my little girl, so, please don't think I'm emotionally scarring her or holding her back or anything. I'm not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination, but, I'm not about to ever let her carry my emotional baggage. Her backpack is not big enough for that!!

In fact, I have encouraged her to be very excited about kindergarten. We talk about what she'll do and where she'll eat and we've toured the school, etc. But, in my heart, I just don't want her to go. I'm going to miss her. We're standing on the cupse of the rest of her life as a little girl, a pre-teen, a teenager and a woman. I wish I could go back and bottle all of the moments that I knew were fleeting, but, didn't really believe would pass so quickly. She's my baby. My oldest. We've learned so much together, she and I. She's helped me be a mommy. And in these next 2 weeks, I will have to focus on doing just that. Being a mommy. Getting her ready to be "on her own", in a way. Putting aside my slightly breaking heart and telling her that kindergarten is awesome. That she'll make so many friends. That she'll learn so many new things. That she'll have so much fun playing she won't be able to stand it. That she'll sing, and dance, and create until she's exhausted. She will love it. She really will. That's how God made her. She truly loves things. It's absolutely precious. I love watching her everyday. It's such an honor to be her mommy. So, I am going to miss her. And, I know that it will pass b/c I will get to see a whole new experience grow her into all that God has ahead of her. But, every day, every little moment that's she not with me, I will miss her. And that hurts.