Blah.

I hate the woe is me attitude. It's broodish and egocentric characteristics make my skin crawl-when someone else embraces it, that is. I fight this ugly attitude on a pretty consistent basis. It's like the warm blanket that I throw on when even a slight chill arises. Ahhhh. I fight it and fight it. "Keep your head up", I tell myself. "Nobody likes a sour sally", I remind myself. But, the water starts rising and I feel it coming on- the isolating feeling of my trials being worse than those around me. And there I will sit, in my own thoughts, about how sad I am or how overwhelmed I feel. About how I've added to it by saying or doing the wrong things. And on and on. It's vicious, what I do, and it's intricate.

It drives my husband mad the way I beat myself up. That's the second part of my woe is me. I start to list the ways that I have added to my misery. Like, "Did I really have to say THAT to them?", or, "I doubt they'll include me in that thing." I will not stop until finally I'm sad. And then, I'm done. But, I'm sad and down. And, I've successfully isolated myself into the corner where I think that no one can find me- not even God. Thank goodness for a gospel that searches and finds me b/c it is in me to stay hidden. Today I'm sad b/c I'm thinking of old and lost friends that I hurt and I was hurt by. I have been trying to mend fences, but, it looks like that are unmendable. At least on earth, that is. And I'm sad b/c they have never shown an interest in my children. And these are life friends, or they were at least, and I have held onto that hurt for a long time. Time to let go, so that the hurt can dull. So that I will not revisit this old, familiar place. Oh, Lord meet me here. And He will and does. Without Him I'm just an old broken mess. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

The Long Goodbye

Isn't that such a dramatic title? It's what I've been calling this time period I am currently in since my sweet H was born over 5 years ago. The time that is about to come to an end when she starts kindergarten in 2 weeks. I can't believe that we are already here. I have been thinking the past couple of days that maybe I have been asleep or something and have now woken up and I've missed so many days or something. I've called this the long goodbye b/c I've always said that when my kids start school, their teachers will have them for longer periods of time than I will. And that makes me so sad. I am not expressing this to my little girl, so, please don't think I'm emotionally scarring her or holding her back or anything. I'm not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination, but, I'm not about to ever let her carry my emotional baggage. Her backpack is not big enough for that!!

In fact, I have encouraged her to be very excited about kindergarten. We talk about what she'll do and where she'll eat and we've toured the school, etc. But, in my heart, I just don't want her to go. I'm going to miss her. We're standing on the cupse of the rest of her life as a little girl, a pre-teen, a teenager and a woman. I wish I could go back and bottle all of the moments that I knew were fleeting, but, didn't really believe would pass so quickly. She's my baby. My oldest. We've learned so much together, she and I. She's helped me be a mommy. And in these next 2 weeks, I will have to focus on doing just that. Being a mommy. Getting her ready to be "on her own", in a way. Putting aside my slightly breaking heart and telling her that kindergarten is awesome. That she'll make so many friends. That she'll learn so many new things. That she'll have so much fun playing she won't be able to stand it. That she'll sing, and dance, and create until she's exhausted. She will love it. She really will. That's how God made her. She truly loves things. It's absolutely precious. I love watching her everyday. It's such an honor to be her mommy. So, I am going to miss her. And, I know that it will pass b/c I will get to see a whole new experience grow her into all that God has ahead of her. But, every day, every little moment that's she not with me, I will miss her. And that hurts.

Home Birth

I wanted to make sure that I wrote down my birthing experience with Jonathan so that I wouldn't forget any details! Here goes....

So, many of you know this, but for for those that don't, I gave birth to Jonathan right here at home- in the guest room to be exact. When I tell most people that, they think that we are crazy, or maybe hippies or anti modern medicine. However, none of that is really true. We actually sort of providentially stumbled into this experience. Although we wanted another child, my pregnancy with Jonathan was a big surprise- physically and financially! We did not have maternity insurance at the time. After praying through and discussing all of our options, we decided that a home birth with a dear friend and expert midwife, Susie Meeks, was the option for us.

It was an absolutely awesome experience. The prenatal check-ups were almost identical as with my other 2 pregnancies- it's just that Susie came to MY HOUSE! It was wonderful! The girls got to be really involved and I was always so comfortable. We had the same blood tests and ultrasound- it was the best. Now fast forward to the actual birth.....

Jonathan was now a week late. Susie had told me that I could try to drink some castor oil to start my contractions. She wanted me to wait until I was 41 weeks, so, on that very Sunday (1 week late), I got up early and went downstairs to drink the disgusting concoction of castor oil and orange juice. I got the first round down (barely) and went to lay back down. I then vomited it all up before it really worked. So much for that. Susie called me about and hour later, and I teared up and told her I had gotten sick. She said that she would be over after lunch to see how I was doing.

I had been having contractions for a couple of days, but, they weren't consistent. Susie got here and checked me and said that my cervix was still a little behind Jonathan's head. She said that was why he hadn't dropped more and why my contractions were coming and going. She said it would probably be a couple of more days before I would be in labor. I was disappointed. However, she said, she wanted me to try a couple of resting positions to try to get his head to turn a little to help my cervix move. One position was on my hands and knees on the floor and the other was just lying on my side with my leg propped up to the other side. They weren't uncomfortable at all and it was actually kind of relaxing. After about 45 min. doing these positions, Susie wanted to check me again before she left. When she did, she found that my cervix had moved down 3 cm, right under his head, and I was 4 cm dilated. I couldn't believe it!!! It was crazy! It was such a testament to me as to how God has created a woman's body, and to how schooled Susie is in the art of pregnancy and birthing. Rob and I were in total shock. That's when Susie said that we were going to have a baby that day. Ahhh!

I started having pretty regular contractions in the next hour. We called my brother and Rob's mom (my mom was obviously already here) and told them to head this way. Since we were doing this all at home, I didn't want alot of people here b/c I wanted to feel free to be able to walk around the house and labor. I wanted the girls to feel like they could get to me whenever they needed, within reason. My brother and sister-in-law had come over about a week before he was born to see where I would deliver and to get a feel of how I wanted them to watch the girls and how much I wanted them involved. I so appreciated them being so sensitive to how I envisioned the birth and the girls' part in it.

Once I was in active labor, they filled up my birthing pool and got all of the equipment out. Susie and the nurse, Cindy, had everything we could have needed or wanted. It was so professional. I labored in the water for about an hour and then got out and walked around and then back in the water. The contractions were somewhat manageable until I got to 9 cm. Then, it was hard to get any relief. I just had to focus and get through the contractions. I didn't scream or cry or anything. I have to focus intently to get through a contraction. If I were to scream or yell it would just distract me and hurt more. It's so weird how different people react- that's just my way. Anyway, I was having front labor and back labor, which made it hard to find a position to start pushing in. I started sort of on my back and it was SO painful. Cindy gave me some oxygen b/c I was getting tired. Then J's heart rate started to go down b/c he was stuck under my pubic bone. That was a scary moment. I was so tired and in so much pain, and then I felt scared. But Susie was so calm. She let me know that I needed to push, but, she never panicked or made me feel nervous. She had me get back up on my hands and knees and his heart rate went back up. So, now I was contracting, pushing and holding myself up on my hands and knees. I remember thinking, "Is this really happening? Am I going to get through this?". It was surreal. I was pushing and pushing, but, I could tell that he wasn't moving; and that seemed to make my contractions harder. Susie then changed my position. She had me get on my back and hold my own legs back. I remember wondering, why can't Rob hold my legs back?? What is he doing? But, Susie said it was important for me to hold them back to open up my pelvis. And sure enough after 2 hard pushes in that position, I heard those 2 magic words, "He's crowning!". I was almost there! Withe my next contraction, I pushed and I heard my beautiful son for the first time. Susie laid him on my stomach. I checked to make sure he was a boy (I couldn't believe it!) and then I kissed his sweet head. I had one more contraction and then my placenta came out- and then - no more pain. It was incredible. I felt tired, but, totally pain free.

So, there's the story. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I was home with my family, so comfortable, and we never had to leave. Jonathan was with us exclusively from the first moment he was born. No one took him away to wash him or dress him or put his first diaper on. I mean, Susie did those things for me, but, I was right there with her and Jonathan was right beside me. It all felt so natural and right. It was incredible. I know that, realistically, hardly anyone reading this will choose a home birth. If God hadn't so layed this situation out for us as this being the wisest choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen it either. But, I am so thankful that He did b/c I trust my body so much more now, and, I believe in myself a little more. I got to learn those things and I got this precious gift in my son. And my sweet girls feel so attached to him b/c they were such a part of everything (not the pushing- they were asleep for the last part- just to clarify).

And, that's how it went. Thanks for all the prayers- I felt them.

It's been about a year since I've posted anything on here. I doubt anyone even checks this thing anymore. I used to use this as a place to say something that seemed important or insightful, but, that was never my intention in the first place. I just wanted somewhere to stream thoughts.

I've been browsing the internet this morning, and every time I pull up a news page I'm looking for the same thing. Of course, it's not there, but it seems like it should be. You see, yesterday the world stopped. Or, it seemingly stopped. And I know for those closest to Joseph, it did stop. I'm not related to Joseph and I certainly did not know him as well as some of Allen and Gillian's closest friends. But, I loved him and so did my little girl and my family. We prayed and begged and pleaded for God to heal his little body- every day, and every night. It was such a part of my daughter's repertoire, that, we have to keep explaining how our prayers change. And, by all accounts it's the greatest change any of us will ever go through. It's what we're made for- to live with Jesus. It's the completion of our soul's journey- to go home and be complete. It's the human side of me that feels ripped apart for Joe's parents. "Little" Allen who had to let his son go. I don't know Gillian as well, but, I don't know if I respect anyone as much as her either. They kept a blog where both of them kept everyone updated and showed their vulnerabilities. And, the Father was leaned on so unswervingly and given praise, that the testimony was powerful.

And my friend, Jennifer, has written some amazing things about her beloved nephew on her blog. The scriptures are clear about the kinds of strength we are given to face the cruel and appalling disappointments of this broken world. My prayer for all of them, is that it is this Godly strength and the arms of Jesus that would be collapsed upon and into. Joseph is complete and whole now- more than any of us are today and he will be waiting for his mom and dad and sweet sister and all of those that he loves to join him in his completion. The trials we face here are but a brief moment compared to the eternal glory we will exist in. But, they're gut wrenchingly painful, at best. At worst, they're unimaginable and unbearable. But, with the hope we have in the gospel, they're made temporary. And that is the only way to survive them- knowing that it's not forever- it's but a brief moment.

Prayer

I haven't posted in a very long time, so, I'll update on happenings at our house later on. For those of you who are still checking this, please pray for the Farley family. They are not close friends of mine, but, I have know them for a long time from CPC Alliance days. They are walking through the fire at this moment with their little family. Here is a link to their site: http://www.conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com Please pray for their sweet family. Their enduring family has been a testimony to literally thousands of people.

Courtney

Why, When and How

This is an open question post. Yesterday in church, our pastor was talking about the church in Laodicea. Since that wouldn't necessarily ring bells for me either, it was the church that the Scripture passage was written to concerning being hot and cold and not lukewarm. I'm sure that most of us have heard that verse in church or school or some other capacity. I can think of many, many times it would have been brought to mind in college.....anyway..... Our pastor was talking about how self-sufficient and arrogant this church had become, thus the letter being written to them to confront them and their sin. I had a confrontation a couple of weeks ago with a very old and dear friend. It did not go well. But, I did tell her things that I felt had been put on my heart to tell her many times and had lacked the courage to do so. My heart breaks for her because of some of the decisions that she has made and is making. However, that is not to say that I am anywhere close to being perfect- I am so far from it. I could post for days about the sins that I deal with constantly and the poor attitude I have being a parent frequently. But, I feel as if I am continually challenged on these things by my husband and friends, and mostly, by God. So, before I drone on and on, has anyone dealt with this before? I know I have been vague, but, in the spirit of confidentiality, I don't want to reveal too much. I love her dearly, but, when do you let go? How long do you watch someone not seem to care about their sin? Is it any of our business as friends, or more so, as sisters in Christ? I would love to hear any opinions on this!!!........

Daddies

I should have posted this before Father's Day. Oops. Anyway, most of you know that I did not have a close relationship with my father. He was an alcoholic and left our family when I was 12. Although he was in and out for most of my life, I never felt as if Father's Day was something I was ever able to participate in. Having said that for history's sake, that is not why I'm posting.
I am posting today to celebrate my husband. God has given me such a gift not only in Rob as my husband, but, as a father to my children. He loves our girls so much and he takes time to talk to them, play with them, read to them and really get to know them. When he comes home at night, he wants to know all about what we did that day and how they acted/reacted to the things that we did. It's amazing to me to see how he wants to be so involved in every aspect of their lives. He hugs and kisses them and, in turn, disciplines them sternly and lovingly. He's not perfect, by any means, but he's pretty incredible anyway. I have been privileged to be able to witness the father that he is to them. The girls are crazy about him and I know that that security and confidence in a father that loves them will be a catalyst for them to grasp the love of their heavenly Father. I hope that he feels honored as he should because he is our rock and we love him so very much. Happy Father's Day, honey!