Blah.

I hate the woe is me attitude. It's broodish and egocentric characteristics make my skin crawl-when someone else embraces it, that is. I fight this ugly attitude on a pretty consistent basis. It's like the warm blanket that I throw on when even a slight chill arises. Ahhhh. I fight it and fight it. "Keep your head up", I tell myself. "Nobody likes a sour sally", I remind myself. But, the water starts rising and I feel it coming on- the isolating feeling of my trials being worse than those around me. And there I will sit, in my own thoughts, about how sad I am or how overwhelmed I feel. About how I've added to it by saying or doing the wrong things. And on and on. It's vicious, what I do, and it's intricate.

It drives my husband mad the way I beat myself up. That's the second part of my woe is me. I start to list the ways that I have added to my misery. Like, "Did I really have to say THAT to them?", or, "I doubt they'll include me in that thing." I will not stop until finally I'm sad. And then, I'm done. But, I'm sad and down. And, I've successfully isolated myself into the corner where I think that no one can find me- not even God. Thank goodness for a gospel that searches and finds me b/c it is in me to stay hidden. Today I'm sad b/c I'm thinking of old and lost friends that I hurt and I was hurt by. I have been trying to mend fences, but, it looks like that are unmendable. At least on earth, that is. And I'm sad b/c they have never shown an interest in my children. And these are life friends, or they were at least, and I have held onto that hurt for a long time. Time to let go, so that the hurt can dull. So that I will not revisit this old, familiar place. Oh, Lord meet me here. And He will and does. Without Him I'm just an old broken mess. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.